OmG why I’m I trying this hard???
What the hell happened to all those principles I had?
To never change for a man? To never feel this desperate because of a man!!
To love myself, to take care of myself, to honor and not go low because of anyone. ANYONE, not even someone I love, or someone I think I love??
What’s in my head right now? What’s in my heart?
The pain is unbearable.
The hurt is such that no one can understand or even begin to.
I feel lonely, isolated, abandoned and very miserable.
Why? You ask yourself
Because I’m in love with a man who doesn’t love me back
A man who, in his own words, has been struggling the whole year to return the love. In other words, the love got out of him a year ago
Imagine that! One year!
I have been living one year with a man who doesn’t love me.
And those words from Craig David’s famous song come to mind…..
“I just don’t love you no more,”
I just don’t feel how I used to feel about you anymore, he said without batting an eyelid.
The passion, the love, the desire for you, it’s not in my heart anymore. I need space maybe that will help me bring those emotions back.
And I sat there, numb all over, filled with shame.
It’s not my fault, he wailed. How can I control what my heart feels? I have no control over my heart’s emotion. I tried; I even thought it was a phase that would pass away. Unfortunately that has not happened. Mum, forgive.
I was trying so hard not to cry….but how could I not?
I had invested so much in this relationship. I had given it my all. Financially, emotionally, physically, name it; I had given my ALL in this relationship.
And yet this man, so confidently, told me all this.
Of course the tears came in torrents.
I cried till I could cry no more. I wept my heart out.
I was torn, ravaged and angry at the whole world.
I did what I shouldn’t have done in the first place.
I begged. Yes, I begged for another chance.
Because I loved this man so much, I begged shamelessly.
So he said, okay, let’s give it another chance. Let’s try and work out our love…….
And yes we did….
Sometimes a person would do something wrong but you wouldn’t ask, because you were scared of the repercussions.
Things were never the same.
It wasn’t as good as before….
I don’t think it would ever be….
And every day, a piece of me dies inside…