This is how it all begun.
It was the beginning of the end.
If you ask me really, I cannot explain how I got into this situation. The events happened so fast it was over before it had even begun. Occasionally I ask myself, is this how she wanted it all along? Is it how she had planned it? Was she just waiting for the opportunity to present itself for her to run with it? Because run she did, in every literal sense of the word. The answer to all these questions is I do not know; probably no one ever will, apart from her and the God she prays to.
We had been fine before it all begun – or so I thought. Because I was happy, I assumed she was. Looking back, I should have been able to read the signs…I should have been able to tell that maybe she wasn’t as happy as she put out for everyone to see. Was she happy really? Was there a time that she was ever happy? Maybe by the time you are finished reading this you will understand where I am coming from and why I am asking all these; Or maybe not. Maybe my head was stuck so high up in my butt I failed to notice anyone else or anything else around me.
The thing is, I am not making any excuses for anyone. Definitely none for myself. I am not perfect. I have made a few small small mistakes here and there…okay, maybe they aren’t that small, I have hurt her quite a number of times before. Oh blimey, why am I even trying to sugarcoat this? The truth of the matter is I cheated on her on numerous occasions before. And it hurt her. It hurt her so deep she never looked at me the same way again. It hurt her so deep I could swear every time she found out about it a part of her died. It hurt her so deep that the beautiful infectious smile she used to have had long disappeared and in its place was a permanent artificial not so convincing smile.
But here is the god news – I changed. It was a long tedious process. It took a toll on me; and an even bigger toll on her. Believe me when I tell you that trying to repair broken trust is not an easy task. I say this because I know. I have experienced it. What had happened had happened and it did not matter what I tried to do to mend ways, deep down I recognized the fact that maybe things had changed for the worst and the growing pit of fear at the furthest corner of my brain was the worst thing I had ever or would ever, experience in my life. Fear of the unknown. Fear that one day I would wake up and find her gone.
Then things started to change. Not for the worse this time but surprisingly for the better. I would be lying if is said it did not feel good. I relished every moment. I cherished every smile that came my way, every tiny tender movement of her hand. My body begun to crave these moments. A kiss on the forehead when I woke up, her hand unconsciously doing those slow sensual movements on my chest as we lay up most of the night talking and planning for the future. These moments became my life and the more she “came back to me” the more my hunger for her grew.
It was like a revelation. I began looking at her as if I was just seeing her for the first time, as if every date we went out on was our first date. Whereas before I saw her as someone who would always be there no matter what, someone who I did not need to make any extra effort for because I already had her, now I saw her for the shy humorous girl she really was. I saw through the tough persona she put up; saw through to the delicate beautiful girl with serious self esteem issues. Self esteem issues that I had played a huge role in developing. I saw how she always asked if I needed a second helping, how she delicately folded my towels, how she ironed my clothes to perfection, how she would straighten my collar before I left for work….how her delicate fingers would dig into my back when I was inside her, how every time she climaxed there would be tears in her eyes….and now I realize that maybe they were tears of frustrations; frustrations towards who I had become. Frustrations at seeing the person you love changing right before your eyes and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
But I swear I changed.
I tried my best to.
What hurt me the most is that I misdiagnosed the whole situation. I thought she had forgiven me. In my head, the return of the beautiful smiles and witty comments thrown here and there signified her forgiveness. I was a fool, is what. Maybe she wasn’t happy after all. Mark – my former close friend- used to tell me that women never truly forgave you for the things you wronged them. I say former friend because mark was a really huge influence during my days of sleeping around, but that is a story for another day. Like is said, maybe she wasn’t happy and maybe she really hadn’t forgiven me. Maybe she had just resigned herself to the fact that I am who I am. Or maybe she was just doing what most women do best; scheming and planning for the finale.
This is how it all begun.
My Ngo was doing a HIV/ AIDS outreach in the slums. I was doing a presentation on how to use condoms. Everything went well; a few jokes were thrown around to put everyone at ease. When I was done, I put the pack of condoms unconsciously back into my pocket.
The pack of course, was minus one condom.
The outreach was a success. Everyone was happy, and why wouldn’t they? After all, we were changing lives…..or were we?
The organizers said we go out for a drink then head out home, in all its 70km stretch. Why not? Boys have to be boys…..right, right? One for the road did not sound like such a bad idea after all. So I call Leah, who I am missing already, and tell her I am having a beer or two but will head out for home in an hour or so.
Leah, my beautiful Leah…what an understanding woman! Of course she didn’t have a problem with that.
“Take your time daddy,”
Except that I did take my time. Oh yes I took my time so much, by the time we were done there was not any more time to take. Take my time, that’s exactly what I did. One drink led to the next and the next one led to another. Before I knew it I was on my eighth beer…
How could I drive in such a condition? How could any of us? I had to take a room, I just had to…I mean, what would you have done if you were in my position? Tell me, would you not have done the same? I’m sure you would have, my guy. So, we went looking for a nearby place to lay our heads for the night, or rather for the morning. Because by then it was 4:30 am. My colleague Stella suggested we share a room to cut on costs.
I know what you are thinking. Don’t…Just don’t go there. I swear I did not do anything. I can swear on Mufasa’s grave! Nothing, absolutely nothing, happened on that night.
My biggest (and only) mistake is that I did not check my phone.
Leah called over and over again. Of course by the time I woke up my phone had gone off and in such a situation, how would I have known that she had tried to reach me?
Needless to say, by the time I got home, there was a storm brewing.
I was trying to nurse my hangover silently when I was slapped with a pack of condoms that had one missing and a hotel receipt for two. Stella and I. If I say I had any hangover after that I would be telling a lie.
Men have died because of much, much lesser sins.
Heck, some men have even lost their man hood to their crazy “soul mates” due to such minute things this situation would dwarf them in comparison.
My Leah is a gentle lamb, so I escaped with my life.
But as we currently speak I am without a wife.